TROLLING IS A ART

In an effort to become a singularity comprised of ‘controversialcondescendingprickium’, an element I recently discovered in my poo, I have decided to start making my posts more about how you, and everything you may or may not stand for/think, are inherently flawed or irrelevant and why.

Gay marriage has been in the news a lot these days so I figured hey, why the fuck not?

Let me start by saying that I am one of the only truly undifferentiating person I know. I am happy to tell you just how stupid whatever you think is whether you are black or white, whether you engage in sexual frivolities with men, women, animals, furniture, fruit, trees or whatever else, whatever particular breed of wizard you believe magicked all of creation into existence, I will always reliably give you my completely unbiased opinion. That is not to say I am not prejudiced, my prejudices are simply based on first-hand evidence and are completely incapable of being swayed by public opinion polls, statistics or moral badgering. The fact that organized religion still exists is overwhelming proof of the staggering number of people who can be wrong simultaneously.

I will now continue on with reminding you how adorably ignorant you are of pretty much everything.

Being a straight man, I can only offer one of many perspectives on the matter. I am not a man who likes men, a woman who likes men, a woman who likes women, a man who used to be a woman who now likes men, a woman who used to be a jar of olives who likes Alsatians… You get the picture.

The perspective I offer you is thus: I could not feasibly care any less that same sex marriages are not ‘recognised’. Nor do I care if they ever are recognised.

Because marriage is just that, a recognition of your relationship before various offices - religious, legal, political and social.

Gay people lead a lifestyle which is openly stigmatized by a pretty impressive portion of the public, and for the most part, they could not give a good god damn what you think about their tendency to bat for the other team. And hey, more power too ‘em. It takes a lot of balls to be able to declare loudly and proudly something about yourself that you know will make life harder.

What I don’t get it precisely why they’re so uppity about getting ‘recognized’. If I meet a gay couple that’s been together for five years, hey, I recognize that they are probably pretty into one another. If I see a gay couple who has been together for 5 minutes professing their undying love I recognise the fact that they are both complete fucking idiots.

What, are you worried about being recognised by god? Please, who gives a fuck what that guy thinks? Society? The fact that you are openly gay is enough to prove that you aren’t all that worried about what your average Joe the Bigot thinks.

I know, there are legal benefits to being married. Having that certificate handy to just whip out and go ‘yo, married over here’ is pretty handy, I bet. But do you have to call that marriage? Seriously? Sounds more like a contract to me. So why not just offer another box to tick on the form that says ‘do you both have the same genitals’? Get a certificate, go home, throw a party, game over. No one’s religious integrity (hahahaha) is violated and everyone’s happy.

Can people honestly not see that saying ‘you have to be OK with us getting married’ is kind of like saying ‘you have to be OK with not getting married’? You are encroaching on their deeply seeded beliefs, and vice versa.

Personally, I think the entire thing is retarded. But the only obvious solution is to separate the notion of marriage from the entire process. There should be a form you fill out saying ‘I accept all the rights and responsibilities of an exclusive partnership with this person, signed Steve and Terry’. Done. You wanna go and make a big song and dance about it that’s your business, but this entire debate is a waste of time.

A key point in the argument is that if we don’t preserve the ‘sanctity’ of marriage, people will pretty soon be allowed to marry their kitchen appliances and pets. That’s like saying that if we don’t preserve the sanctity of food, people will start eating the fucking drywall. This is still people marrying people. Let’s not get our panties in a twist here.

My point is that marriage as an institution is inherently flawed, so there’s no reason to fight for your ability to be a part of it. Half of them don’t even last. What you should be arguing is that ‘if that Redfern-dwelling crack addict who’s on her fifth husband and smoked and drank through her 13 pregnancies gets the baby bonus, why the fuck don’t I’? As far as the marriage thing goes, I’d give it up if I were you. Religious zealots aren’t renowned for their ability to be reasoned with.