TROLLING IS A ART

Can everybody please shut the fuck up about Pokemon already? I swear to got people talk more about it now than they did back when there was only 150 (I refuse to count Mew) of the fucking things and we were all giddily trading holographic Charizards on the handball courts in year fucking five.

I get it. Your life is horrible. You parents won’t give you your allowance this week because they just don’t get that you need to contribute all your free time to arguing what the best Starter Pokemon is on the internet. You need an escape, you need to run free in a world of fantasy where you are free of your responsibilities and where a persons worth is judged solely by how many furry things he has in the balls clipped to his belt.

Yknow who else hides from their problems like that? Crack addicts. Except crack addicts don’t force me to deal with mountains of bullshit about how they hunted down a particularly rare breed of crack once. I don’t have to put up with live bands at my favorite pub covering the Crackemon theme song. Crack addicts do not get their favorite kind of crack tattooed on their ribs. Crack addicts have their addiction and they keep it away from me and out of my life.

And make no mistake, people. You do have an addiction. If I told you somebody spent hours at a time talking about or collecting literally hundreds of anything designed for children you would think that person was totally fucking nuts.

I think people, especially girls, obsess over Pokemon because they think it gives them some kind of ‘cute nerdy cred’, in that stupid gullible ‘geek-chic’ indie guys will drool over you if you crap on for long enough about how you can do the Rare Candy glitch.

I used to spend four hours a day doing integrals during my HSC. For my 14th birthday my parents got me an electronics kit. While you were busy catching your fifty millionth Rattata, I was mercilessly honing my CS1.6 skills or helping my brother breed the golden chocobo in FFVII.I am the nerdiest person you know by a significant margin and I fucking HATE Pokemon. I hate it because of how well it worked. I hate it because even at 10 years of age I could see how blatantly the wool was being pulled over our eyes. Pokemon is a license to print money. Combine a literally infinite potential to make up bullshit monsters by taking real-life animals and changing a few letters, make a cutesy Anime about it using completely blank slate characters so kids can imagine themselves in that world, put it on in the morning when kids are watching, then use that cartoon to create an imperative to collect the shit out of all the monsters, because you have just got to catch them all. Then you simply have to release enough merch that allows your kids to do just that, even if it means making the same game over and over for 15 years, sit back and watch the money roll in.

Why do you think there were so many imitators? Digimon? Beyblades? Because it worked. All they need to do is feed you enough shit about needing to collect something that they can then mass produce and distribute at a huge markup and you will bend over and cop it fair up the ass like the fairy you are.

You are grownups now. You are smarter than this. Or at least you are supposed to be.